My girlfriend is wonky and I mean that in the nicest way. I don’t mean that one of her arms is bigger than the other, or that her left eye is slightly disproportionate to the right one. I’m referring to the fact that every time I let her borrow my computer she leaves it in the most bizarre of states.
Being quite anal about my computer being straight and nice-looking (like all those pictures I see on Lifehacker), I’ve found myself in a situation where I have OCD-like symptoms about keeping the computer and keyboard straight, with my iPhone kept neatly on charge next to it, and Apple Remote neatly placed on the iMac’s stand (horizontal and perfectly aligned to the edge, of course). That’s not mentioning the software, where I have to keep my Safari window a certain distance from the menu bar and dock at all time, for example.
For some reason, though, my girlfriend has other ideas. I let her borrow my computer for the day and come back finding the keyboard at the weirdest of angles, iPhone cable hanging freely off the edge of the desk, and all my beautifully arranged application windows scattered carelessly over six “Spaces” (virtual desktops) with no regard for their position on the screen; I found my Mail.app window minimized on Space 4 once, positioned halfway off the edge of the screen – it opens by default on Space 2 and can’t be moved unless done so deliberately.
What have I done to deserve this? What did I do in my past life? Did I murder children? Was I the guy who murdered Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, starting World War One? Was I the person at ITV who commissioned the new series of X Factor *shudder*?
I know I’m not the best boyfriend. I know that checking my iPhone behind your back when I hug you isn’t romantic. I know that reading Gizmodo can wait until you’ve gone home… But I’m a geek! You knew that the moment you took me on! As I’m someone who frequently refers to themselves as a ‘WebMaster‘, how can you not understand that the computer is my domain!? That the internet is my Empire!?
If I turned up at your house and started to move one of the windows, you’d be pretty annoyed, wouldn’t you? And I know full well that I don’t turn up at your house and repaper your walls with a pixellated picture of Hello Kitty that I found on Google Image Search. So why do you do it to my computer!? WHY!? For all us alpha-geeks out there, I send this message to women who make out lives a burden; stop messing up my computer! Gah! It’s time us nerds took back our space from the clutches of the females and ditch the benefits of a relationship for that of a tidy workspace. Together, we can unite!

Let that be a lesson to all of you who are smug enough to think you’ve avoided one of life’s necessities. As you can see, there is me at the top wearing my Offspring T-Shirt, with long hair back in 2007. Below is me at work yesterday wearing my uniform. Let it be known that I learnt my lesson.

Below is a piece I wrote for college about the differences between BBC Radio One’s “Newsbeat” and BBC Radio Four’s “Midnight News”. I didn’t take it very seriously. So without further ado, here it is in all it’s glory, ready to be immortalised by the prowess of the interbutts.

To get a better understanding about how different news networks appeal to different audio demographics when presenting the news, I compared two different radio stations’ news broadcasts. I decided to look at BBC Radio One’s “Newsbeat” and BBC Radio 4’s “Midnight News”. Even by name alone, you can start to see the differences between the two.

Firstly, I analysed BBC Radio One’s “Newsbeat”. In traditional Radio One fashion, the programme starts with popular music. While far from appropriate (the song referenced sexual acts, and the likes), it immediately declares what sort of audience the broadcast is aimed at, as if shouting it out of a top story window with a fanfare of trumpets behind it.

The teen-orientated show then continues with a chirpy presenter introducing the show , followed by a “crazy voices” indent that shouts “Newsbeat!” while branching off into varied pitched repetitions and wacky sound effects that introduce a moderate tempo drum and bass beat into the background.

BBC Radio One Newsbeat

Continuing, the chirpy presenter then reads out the headlines with an upbeat yet mournful tone, similar to if she was trying out a friend’s cooking and was too polite to admit that each mouthful felt like it was reducing her life span by five years.

To add insult to injury, the headlines are accompanied by almost comedic sound effects of bombs going off. I half expected to hear a novelty “ Ahh! There go my legs!” in the background. Evidently , this is not broadcasting for older listeners.

Reassuring the notion that this show is designed for the nations goldfish youth, the background music blasts out a chord between articles to startle the young ones and get them to refocus their precious attention on the box in the corner that makes noises on it’s own. Catering to this, the articles are also kept short and simple in order for the brain to digest the information quicker (and to stop people from flicking over to something more interesting). That said, the more serious articles are usually longer and include clips from “the field”, which show that they are clearly more important.

Because Radio One is so modern and fancy, the show also announces that it has additional content online, such as videos and interviews that are designed to take radio to “THE NEXT LEVELTM”. In addition to this, the show also informs it’s audience of later shows that may also appeal, such as music broadcasts, which are advertised by the presenter who hosts said show , resulting in an effect similar to the presenters sticking their heads into the studio for a brief moment they’re not

fiddling with their iPhones on the way to Starbucks (or somewhere as equally trendy and hip) like the important people they are.

During a section about the recent media news (a part I often refer to as “ Animals Do The Funniest Things”), the show also receives support from a number of “celebrities” who feel the need to chime in on whatever they think is going on, whether it be some meaningless award ceremony or some other sort of excuse to nurse the egos of these people. This helps the audience think the show is on their wavelength and knows what they want.

Finally , the show wraps up with Sports news. Again, not really important news, but it somehow makes it’s way into the brief 15 minutes the show runs for. In this section, the presenters highlight just how bad their concept of the English language is by using slang words and terms, and calling people by things like “Rooney” and “Biscuit” as if their complete disregard for diction wasn’t bad enough.

Overall, Newsbeat is like CBBC’s “Newsround” but for teenagers. It’s basically news for dumb people who can help being dumb, unlike “Newsround” which is for dumb people who just don’t have the brain capacity to know any better yet. It’s 15 minutes long (short enough for people with so many “important” things to be doing), is on at 5:45 (so these “teenagers” can hear it after school) and is targeted at 12-18 year olds, with a slight stretch into the 18-24 year old demographic.

BBC Radio Four Midnight News

On the more civilised end of the scale is BBC Radio 4’s “Midnight News”. Midnight News is a thorough and insightful look into the daily happenings in the world. It starts with the beautiful sound of the Winchester chimes (marking the dawn of midnight) before a humble narrator introduces himself and the show in a calm, relaxed and almost seductive manner.

Once the chimes have finished, the narrator starts to read out the headlines calm and precisely . W ith nothing but his voice carrying the words he’s saying, the broadcast is clear and intimate. It was as if he was engaging in aural intercourse with my ears. The subtle excitement of the political headlines, the hidden mourning during the death tolls… It made my stomach flutter. Never have I found such a worthy news broadcast. However, before too long something odd happened. A new presenter was introduced to handle the reading of a feature.

To me, it was as if I was having an affair with a colleague. It felt dirty and uncomfortable for the first few minutes but soon after, all was forgotten and it just felt right hearing the news from a different mouth. I’d never engaged in anything of this aural nature. It was all new to me. It introduced me to things like clips of President Obama speaking to America, and the likes. It was odd but it was easy to adjust to. But as with any affair, I soon returned to my first love… Even just for the simple fact of trying not to arouse suspicion.

But it seemed that I couldn’t get enough of it. Each time a longer article was to be read, the poor initial narrator passed me over and the feeling of guilt soon returned. W as it wrong to enjoy the company of someone else too?

Regardless, by the end of the thirty minutes, I was close to exhaustion. Not complete exhaustion –I could still continue about my day and continue everything I was doing before, but it just felt a bit harder than usual.

Evidently this sort of broadcast is not designed for teenagers. They want their music, their sex, drugs and rock and roll. But for the older age group this is a godsend. The 30, 40, 50 and 60 year old demographic, for certain.

The differences between the two broadcasts are quite apparent. Newsbeat is designed to overload the senses with its music and hipness. Midnight news is

designed to present the news clearly and precisely with a lot of depth. At the end of the day it’s a matter of taste.

It’s that time of the year again. The streets quieten during the day, parents across the country can finally put their feet up and for those of us unlucky enough, it’s time to return to school. Thankfully for me, I’m at college now… But it’s not much of a consolation. What’s the difference? Well, I don’t have to wear a uniform and, um, I can wander around the town in my breaks (Town sucks). What’s the same? I have to do work, I go there to learn and I have to get up early. The cons vastly outweigh the pros, evidently.

Following my recent endeavour to look at the positive side of life (my psychiatrist tells me it boosts morale), at least I get to see my friends, colleagues and girlfriend (the last one being the biggest benefit). But when looking at the alarm clock, it’s just not doing much for me. When I see “7:00 AM” peering out of it’s monochromatic screen, I automatically translate it as the alarm clock growing legs and kicking me square in the testicles, then rubbing in the fact that I no longer have the gift of fertility by literally thrusting it’s own, large, perfectly fertile, hairy, pulsating testicles in my face. That’s how it feels.

Don’t tell me I’m exaggerating. I don’t exaggerate. If anything, you’re exaggerating how much I’m exaggerating, and in turn I’m exaggerating how much you’re exaggerating, which will lead you to do the same in return. It’s a vicious cycle and it all started because of you and your judgemental ways. If only you weren’t so judgemental. You’re more judgemental than Judge Judy. Actually, Judge Judy is quite a fair and balanced judge but if you hadn’t started this, I wouldn’t have made such a mistake and we wouldn’t be where we are now. It’s all your fault. Everything is your fault. You’re the reason Mommy and Daddy don’t love each other any more.

So, uh, yeah… I start college again in the morning.

The smell of sea air, fresh donuts and arcades. Mentioning the phrase “British Holidays” will make any Brit’s eyes roll with such passionate disinterest that you may be knocked off your feet. However, that’s not the case for me; I quite enjoy the British holiday, and this year was no exception.
Sure, going abroad is nice but all most people do is get drunk and sun bathe. Fun. Unless you’re going to do something specific to the country you’re in, you may as well have stayed at home.
While the point of a holiday is to take a break from normal life and it’s stresses, I quite enjoy using my holiday as a chance to do stuff I don’t do at home, like swimming and going to the beach and playing on the sand.
Thankfully my life isn’t TOO stressful (despite college, my business and general life), but it’s nice to just get away and tune out for a bit. And that’s why even a British holiday can be a great holiday. There’s no point going to Spain and getting drunk and feeling miserable for two weeks when you can stay at home and just relax for two weeks. So that’s why I enjoy my British holiday, and why I think the dreaded “B” word (Britain, for the record) shouldn’t be frowne upon when thinking about a holiday. That’s just my two cents though.

**Apologies for the shoddy writing. I wrote this blog post on my iPhone in a caravan in Great Yarmouth**