My girlfriend is wonky and I mean that in the nicest way. I don’t mean that one of her arms is bigger than the other, or that her left eye is slightly disproportionate to the right one. I’m referring to the fact that every time I let her borrow my computer she leaves it in the most bizarre of states.
Being quite anal about my computer being straight and nice-looking (like all those pictures I see on Lifehacker), I’ve found myself in a situation where I have OCD-like symptoms about keeping the computer and keyboard straight, with my iPhone kept neatly on charge next to it, and Apple Remote neatly placed on the iMac’s stand (horizontal and perfectly aligned to the edge, of course). That’s not mentioning the software, where I have to keep my Safari window a certain distance from the menu bar and dock at all time, for example.
For some reason, though, my girlfriend has other ideas. I let her borrow my computer for the day and come back finding the keyboard at the weirdest of angles, iPhone cable hanging freely off the edge of the desk, and all my beautifully arranged application windows scattered carelessly over six “Spaces” (virtual desktops) with no regard for their position on the screen; I found my Mail.app window minimized on Space 4 once, positioned halfway off the edge of the screen – it opens by default on Space 2 and can’t be moved unless done so deliberately.
What have I done to deserve this? What did I do in my past life? Did I murder children? Was I the guy who murdered Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, starting World War One? Was I the person at ITV who commissioned the new series of X Factor *shudder*?
I know I’m not the best boyfriend. I know that checking my iPhone behind your back when I hug you isn’t romantic. I know that reading Gizmodo can wait until you’ve gone home… But I’m a geek! You knew that the moment you took me on! As I’m someone who frequently refers to themselves as a ‘WebMaster‘, how can you not understand that the computer is my domain!? That the internet is my Empire!?
If I turned up at your house and started to move one of the windows, you’d be pretty annoyed, wouldn’t you? And I know full well that I don’t turn up at your house and repaper your walls with a pixellated picture of Hello Kitty that I found on Google Image Search. So why do you do it to my computer!? WHY!? For all us alpha-geeks out there, I send this message to women who make out lives a burden; stop messing up my computer! Gah! It’s time us nerds took back our space from the clutches of the females and ditch the benefits of a relationship for that of a tidy workspace. Together, we can unite!

The people who are hailing the Rage Against The Machine thing as if it’s the second coming of Jesus are people who probably would have bought the X Factor single anyway. They only bought the single because they were told to, rather than because they like the band (hence why I didn’t buy it).

As much as I love the fact that real musicians had a Christmas number one again, it’s easy to forget that most people only bought it because they were following their friends on Facebook and following an idea which seemed “funny”, just like they’d follow the TV and buy a song which they were manipulated into buying through a reality talent show. If Rage Against The Machine had released a Christmas single and had won because people liked the track more than the X Factor track, it would be a different story. The sad fact of the matter is that bands like Rage Against The Machine don’t release Christmas songs, or even release songs near Christmas at all. All this activity exercised is the influence of Social Networking and proved that people downloading singles does actually make a difference in the charts… which, uh, would make sense.

Despite popular belief, the record industry doesn’t make up the charts; they need them more than the public does. For the industry, it shows them what songs are popular amongst the public and what sort of music to keep pumping out. Without it, the labels would have to guess at what people “like” in order to release stuff, which, as we probably all know, isn’t as effective as knowing. For example, I could guess that my girlfriend has cheated on me. It means nothing unless I know. On top of this fact, there is no necessary reason for the different labels to exchange information on which of their artists are doing well. The charts act as a way for not only the public to know what’s popular, but the record labels to know what’s popular on other labels.

The problem is that people don’t understand how the singles chart works. The singles chart only applies to singles, hence it’s called the singles charts. The reason bands like Rage Against The Machine don’t make it into the charts is because the people who listen to them are dedicated fans and buy their albums, which are, y’know, albums… not singles. Since they’re quite established, most of their fans buy their older albums from places like CEX or Ebay which sell the album second hand, with no contribution to the charts. When they release a new album, chances are they buy it from Amazon or a party that doesn’t necessarily contribute to the chart’s statistics.

Now, as far as the album chart goes, yes, they could get a number one album… but only when they release a new album. Muse, for example, had a number one platinum album this year with the release of “The Resistance”, despite their single making it to number nine in the UK singles chart. The reason for this is because Muse is an established band that people recognise have better albums than singles (in theory), so their Wembley Stadium-filling fans just buy the album, rather than single. Same with Green Day and all of the other established bands that released albums this, and every other year.
The reason X Factor makes it’s way to Christmas number one is because it’s the mindless sheep who buy singles that put it there. Well, “mindless sheep” is a bit harsh. The fact is that people without that much interest in music buy singles, and those are the people that watch X Factor. That’s the reason X Factor makes it so high in the charts at Christmas. It’s not necessarily popular overall, but it’s popular amongst the people who buy singles.

Short story long, what I’m trying to say is that the people who buy singles are a completely different type of listener to those who buy albums. The people who buy albums are the people who like real music with real talent. The people who buy singles are the people who are just contempt with listening to whatever music they hear played on the radio or telly. The only true way you can change this is to get rid of all the people who don’t really care about music, but unfortunately genocide is illegal.

I hate people. People are stupid. People are nasty. People are greedy. People are vile. People cause war, are selfish and watch X Factor. People take life for granted and don’t appreciate the world around them. People are awful creatures and should be exterminated mercilessly.

The world is full of dullards. Every day more and more people are living up to stereotypes by becoming one conglomerative clump of similarity and predictability. Very few people have a unique and interesting taste in life these days, and those that do have to cower away in fear of being cast a freak, as anything different is poisonous and will spread like a disease. In a society where we are all “equal”, it strikes me as odd that difference is tolerated so frivolously. Look at the recent article for the Daily Mail by Jan Moir; if we tolerated people who were different, not only would this article have not been published, but it would never have been written in the first place.

I guess one problem is that people place too much value in what other people think of them. Your £400 designer jacket or sports car will only give you a false sense of grandiosity; there is no actual importance behind any of these objects. Yet still, people go out of their way to make their credit card stretch to buy these things. What are you expecting to happen when you buy these things? Everyone in the street to look at you in envy, faint or have their jaws hit the street as you walk by, just like the adverts? No. The most that will happen is that a couple of people will notice and silently mutter “Oh wow” before continuing with their day, while everyone else ignores you and labels you as pretentious as they pursue their own ego-driven journey into the latest and greatest fashions. The fact of the matter is that no-one gives a crap about anyone else but themselves and the people who appear in the media… Or at least that’s the impression I receive.

Now, when writing this, my girlfriend picked at me because she thought I was being hypocritical. She argued “You have a fancy iMac and an iPhone and have put them in your signature on some forum I saw you on. You’re being a bit hypocritical” – just like that. And do you know what? I turned around and punched her in the face for arguing with me; her superior. Ok, I may have made that last bit up, but I was challenged non-the-less. My argument is that I don’t have these possessions for the sake of having bragging rights. They’re tools to make my life easier and allow for me to follow my creative ambitions. I much prefer them over the alternatives available because I find them to be more functional for what I want to do, rather than because I think they look good or have some sort of street value that will reflect on me somehow. In short, I didn’t buy them because of the logo but because of what they do. While I may have “shown off” my possessions, I didn’t do it for a reaction but to help people know a bit more about me; You wouldn’t sign up to a forum discussing health issues without letting people know what problems or expertise you have. By stating the fact I had an iMac and an iPhone, it helps me connect to people who may share similar interests and opinions, and talk about something I’m passionate about. It’s no news that I’m a geek and love talking about gadgets. The difference between me and someone who pays £300 for a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes is that the person buying the shoes could easily buy a pair of shoes for £50 or less that do exactly the same thing and won’t make you cry when you step in something foul. There are no functional differences in the Jimmy Choos than there are in a pair of Nikes (Could I edit HD video on a £200 Netbook?). These expensive fashion items are purely for the sake of showing off, saying “I have money”, when in reality they were probably bought on credit because the owner has no real money of their own.

But I have become sidetracked. When I stated that the problem is people placing too much value in what other people think of them, I meant that by doing so we match our own expectations to what we believe everyone else’s to be, as opposed to becoming superficial about our  lifestyles (although it is a matter of grave concern). Even when it comes to things of actual importance, this idea shows clearly. Look at the number of people who have to keep their beliefs to themselves in fear of others thinking badly of them. Personally, I am a vegetarian; I have been all my life and I have no intention to stop in the future. But for me, I am almost afraid to tell people of this fact because I know how people will take it. Even if people try and say something nice about it, they’re usually saying something because they think it’s weird and feel, well, sorry for me, as if I’m a bit wonky in the head. It’s almost like by saying something nice to me they are placed on a moral pedestal similar to that of giving money to charity or helping a disabled person climb stairs. And all this is about my dietary habits! Imagine what they would say if I turned around and told them I was a vegan, homosexual buddhist who spends his spare time participating in period reenactments in order to raise money to combat the effects of global warming on seals in the arctic. I would probably be invited to fewer gatherings than I already am. (For the record, I am none of those things. But if someone as perfect as myself can subliminally label a persona as bizarre or odd enough for me to use it as an example of someone who would be considered odd and bizarre, let alone write a disclaimer to disassociate myself with being that person, then surely someone who is more intellectually challenged and open to narrow minded impressions than myself would think such a thing too, actively or not.)

Another observation I have made is that because we can’t be honest about ourselves to other people in fear of what they’ll think, it often causes us to have a natural reluctancy to do things that could be looked upon as bizarre, or leave us open for potential ridicule. In the end, we’re left with a society where most people don’t aspire to be anything more than being “like everyone else”. Whether that’s being like peers or celebrities, we’re constantly just trying to be like the people around us. Depending on where people look to, some want fame and money, most often without putting any hard work in. Others just want children, shelter and not much else, sacrificing any life goals for insignificance like everyone else. In a world where people feel like they’ve acheived something by meeting “celebrities” (as the lack of a better word for “People who were on Big Brother once”), is it any wonder? We’re unimportant people who worship and idolize equally unimportant people who are only regarded as important because they’ve either done something every other human being can do with a bit of practise, or have sold themselves and ruined their dignity by brown-nosing their way to the top (You’re honestly telling me that Lady Gaga hasn’t shown her “Gaga” to people in order to get a bit further in the music industry? I bet a large number of these so-called “pop stars” have at one point in their careers. If these people weren’t using themselves to extend their fifteen minutes then surely their promotional imagery would be a bit more… tasteful?).

On the other hand, maybe I’m just being bleak and pessimistic. Maybe my lack of faith is the very thing stopping me from seeing the light and realising what I’ve been missing. However, the fact of the matter is that I can see the things I’m missing and I don’t want them. I see things like iPods and Dominoes Pizza and want them, just like everyone else, but I see things like “Big Brother” and Celebrity Jungle Testicle Eating “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” and put a mental restraining order on myself to stop myself from going anywhere near them. I don’t want to associate with the likes of these; I want to rip the mere memories of their existence from my brain with a very sharp and merciless weapon. Some people call me a kill joy, but I just call myself sensible. It’s the same with Football and every other mindless drivel that becomes something that’s taken more seriously than life itself. When there are people who cry themselves to sleep over the results of these things, have pointlessly heated arguments with each other over their contemplations and observations of these forms of “entertainment”, or can use the indulgence of it as a valid excuse amongst people such as bosses and teachers to reasonably excuse themselves or justify their absence from work, it’s time for the world to slap itself in the face and assess what actually matters. I’ll be perfectly happy living my life without all this fuss and hubbub. Maybe, one day, other people will be able to as well… Or not. Maybe I might wake up tomorrow and find that it has all become clear. Who knows?

Below is a piece I wrote for college about the differences between BBC Radio One’s “Newsbeat” and BBC Radio Four’s “Midnight News”. I didn’t take it very seriously. So without further ado, here it is in all it’s glory, ready to be immortalised by the prowess of the interbutts.

To get a better understanding about how different news networks appeal to different audio demographics when presenting the news, I compared two different radio stations’ news broadcasts. I decided to look at BBC Radio One’s “Newsbeat” and BBC Radio 4’s “Midnight News”. Even by name alone, you can start to see the differences between the two.

Firstly, I analysed BBC Radio One’s “Newsbeat”. In traditional Radio One fashion, the programme starts with popular music. While far from appropriate (the song referenced sexual acts, and the likes), it immediately declares what sort of audience the broadcast is aimed at, as if shouting it out of a top story window with a fanfare of trumpets behind it.

The teen-orientated show then continues with a chirpy presenter introducing the show , followed by a “crazy voices” indent that shouts “Newsbeat!” while branching off into varied pitched repetitions and wacky sound effects that introduce a moderate tempo drum and bass beat into the background.

BBC Radio One Newsbeat

Continuing, the chirpy presenter then reads out the headlines with an upbeat yet mournful tone, similar to if she was trying out a friend’s cooking and was too polite to admit that each mouthful felt like it was reducing her life span by five years.

To add insult to injury, the headlines are accompanied by almost comedic sound effects of bombs going off. I half expected to hear a novelty “ Ahh! There go my legs!” in the background. Evidently , this is not broadcasting for older listeners.

Reassuring the notion that this show is designed for the nations goldfish youth, the background music blasts out a chord between articles to startle the young ones and get them to refocus their precious attention on the box in the corner that makes noises on it’s own. Catering to this, the articles are also kept short and simple in order for the brain to digest the information quicker (and to stop people from flicking over to something more interesting). That said, the more serious articles are usually longer and include clips from “the field”, which show that they are clearly more important.

Because Radio One is so modern and fancy, the show also announces that it has additional content online, such as videos and interviews that are designed to take radio to “THE NEXT LEVELTM”. In addition to this, the show also informs it’s audience of later shows that may also appeal, such as music broadcasts, which are advertised by the presenter who hosts said show , resulting in an effect similar to the presenters sticking their heads into the studio for a brief moment they’re not

fiddling with their iPhones on the way to Starbucks (or somewhere as equally trendy and hip) like the important people they are.

During a section about the recent media news (a part I often refer to as “ Animals Do The Funniest Things”), the show also receives support from a number of “celebrities” who feel the need to chime in on whatever they think is going on, whether it be some meaningless award ceremony or some other sort of excuse to nurse the egos of these people. This helps the audience think the show is on their wavelength and knows what they want.

Finally , the show wraps up with Sports news. Again, not really important news, but it somehow makes it’s way into the brief 15 minutes the show runs for. In this section, the presenters highlight just how bad their concept of the English language is by using slang words and terms, and calling people by things like “Rooney” and “Biscuit” as if their complete disregard for diction wasn’t bad enough.

Overall, Newsbeat is like CBBC’s “Newsround” but for teenagers. It’s basically news for dumb people who can help being dumb, unlike “Newsround” which is for dumb people who just don’t have the brain capacity to know any better yet. It’s 15 minutes long (short enough for people with so many “important” things to be doing), is on at 5:45 (so these “teenagers” can hear it after school) and is targeted at 12-18 year olds, with a slight stretch into the 18-24 year old demographic.

BBC Radio Four Midnight News

On the more civilised end of the scale is BBC Radio 4’s “Midnight News”. Midnight News is a thorough and insightful look into the daily happenings in the world. It starts with the beautiful sound of the Winchester chimes (marking the dawn of midnight) before a humble narrator introduces himself and the show in a calm, relaxed and almost seductive manner.

Once the chimes have finished, the narrator starts to read out the headlines calm and precisely . W ith nothing but his voice carrying the words he’s saying, the broadcast is clear and intimate. It was as if he was engaging in aural intercourse with my ears. The subtle excitement of the political headlines, the hidden mourning during the death tolls… It made my stomach flutter. Never have I found such a worthy news broadcast. However, before too long something odd happened. A new presenter was introduced to handle the reading of a feature.

To me, it was as if I was having an affair with a colleague. It felt dirty and uncomfortable for the first few minutes but soon after, all was forgotten and it just felt right hearing the news from a different mouth. I’d never engaged in anything of this aural nature. It was all new to me. It introduced me to things like clips of President Obama speaking to America, and the likes. It was odd but it was easy to adjust to. But as with any affair, I soon returned to my first love… Even just for the simple fact of trying not to arouse suspicion.

But it seemed that I couldn’t get enough of it. Each time a longer article was to be read, the poor initial narrator passed me over and the feeling of guilt soon returned. W as it wrong to enjoy the company of someone else too?

Regardless, by the end of the thirty minutes, I was close to exhaustion. Not complete exhaustion –I could still continue about my day and continue everything I was doing before, but it just felt a bit harder than usual.

Evidently this sort of broadcast is not designed for teenagers. They want their music, their sex, drugs and rock and roll. But for the older age group this is a godsend. The 30, 40, 50 and 60 year old demographic, for certain.

The differences between the two broadcasts are quite apparent. Newsbeat is designed to overload the senses with its music and hipness. Midnight news is

designed to present the news clearly and precisely with a lot of depth. At the end of the day it’s a matter of taste.

Is it just me or are humans some of the most stupid, annoying, idiotic creatures of the planet? Now, I’m not referring to things like the fact we’re using up all the oil, we have with war with ourselves and so on. I mean stupid little things that people say or do. For example, the image above. Not only is the woman or the person who took the photo stupid, but the person who spent time adding the word “Fail” and then uploaded it to the internet under the false presumption that any part of the process mentioned above would be humorous to someone other than themselves (other than the fact that the people involved are so pitiful I have to laugh… Like when my friend swung his £1000 Fender round his neck and it fell onto the ground. I didn’t want to laugh but I couldn’t resist). Regardless, I am writing in this post about people say and do things like…

1. “The Sun’s in my eyes”

Is it now? Is it now!? THEN WHY AREN’T YOU SCREAMING IN AGONY!? If the sun was literally INSIDE your eyes, I think you’d be doing a little more than making some stupid remark about it. Unless you’re friggin’ Cyclops from the X-Men, the sun is not in your eyes.

2. “It’s raining buckets out there!”

Is it!? Is it REALLY raining buckets? Like, literally buckets? So buckets are falling from the sky? I DIDN’T THINK SO. It’s like people who say it’s raining cats and dogs. It’s not. At least buckets are actually at least water-related (unless you’re filling them with sand, concrete or milk), whereas cats and dogs aren’t… although, I guess the fact that their bodies being made of the stuff makes them vaguely eligible… although probably not. Seriously, though. It’s not raining any of these things; it’s raining water. Didn’t they teach you anything in school? No, because you went to public school.

3. “I’m starving to death”

So you’re saying that you’ve not eaten in so long that your body is SO deprived of nutrients that you’re about to die? Really? Because you look pretty bloommin’ healthy to me! Try talking to someone in the 3rd world about starving and then see if you really ARE starving to death. Sure, you’re hungry, but people who are starving to death didn’t eat a cheeseburger a couple of hours ago, did they?

4. “I can’t wait for the nice weather”, yet complain when it’s too hot.

This IS nice, isn’t it? Or at least that’s what you say when it’s raining. WHAT THE HELL? Make your mind up. Either it’s nice like this, or it’s nice when it’s not like this. What else do you want!? If you don’t like the weather, why not move to the Moon, where there is no atmosphere. No, I didn’t think so. I didn’t think you’d be able to cope without oxygen… You’re pathetic.

5. That stupid “I can’t be arsed to run” run that people do, making them look like they’ve pooed themselves. (ie. “Wunning”— Walk-Running)

Ok, I gather that you’re not running properly in order to spare yourself the embarrassment of running, but seriously, you’re just embarrassing yourself more by half-running than by actually running. At least if you run, no matter how poorly you run, you’ll look like someone who’s trying to get out of the way of an oncoming vehicle and not someone who’s running to the nearest toilet.

6. “What just happened?” when watching Television

Ok. Not only did you miss the show by doing something distracting (which was probably distracting to me, too), you have the cheek to disturb me (and yourself) even further by asking what happened, and then asking me to explain in detail what just happened. If you actually watched the show then maybe you’d be able to pick it up again. You may not be a friggin’ genius (evidently) but you certainly have enough brain power to follow the plot of your dumbed-down television tripe.

Ok, so that’s all I’ve got. Got any you want to add? Feel free to share in the comments!