Watch this video; I knew I wasn’t just being paranoid! They’re going to kill me, I tell you! They’re going to kill us all!

No, the iPad is not a device women will place between their legs once a month. It is, rather, the future of computing. While it just looks like a giant iPod Touch, it’s fair to say that it will be much more.

“What are you on about?”, you could be asking. Well, let’s put it this way; a doctor who spends most of his (or her) evenings sorting out their computer instead of writing their reports is a doctor who is going to be tired in the morning, and will possibly risk someone’s life. A builder who is too busy installing antivirus software on his computer instead of going over the blueprints for the house he’s building is a builder who is probably not going to have a very good idea of what he’s doing. A mother who is struggling to install a piece of software to get the photos off her digital camera is a mother who is going to be wasting time on the computer instead of spending time with her child. You get the idea. Wouldn’t it just be nice if these people had a computer that just got out of their way and did what they want without having to think about it? Say hello to iPad.

Sure, the name isn’t great and from looking at the home or lock screens, you’d just dismiss it as a poorly thought-out upscale of the iPhone (I know I initially did)… But all it takes is a glance at the Mail, Calendar or Contacts apps to realize that this thing is completely different – in a good way. The iPad is a weird mongoloid mash-up of the desktop and mobile computer. It’s like an iMac sexually abused an iPod Touch and this popped out nine months later. But can something so horrible be beautiful? Absolutely.

I’m not saying that every person who doesn’t need the current power of a ‘real’ computer (ie. someone who does lots of data processing) should go out and buy one. Absolutely not. Would I have suggested that everyone should have gone out and bought an iPhone back in 2007? Again, absolutely not. Would I suggest everyone buy an iPhone now, though? Of course I would. Over the past three years it’s developed and become more powerful; the bits that were missing are now there (MMS and Copy & Paste, for example). I fully expect the iPad to do the same. So while people will dismiss it now and call it useless and pointless compared to a ‘real’ computer, in three or four years time -or when people start upgrading their tech- I suspect that most people will opt for an iPad over a Windows machine, or a Mac. I know full well that when my Mum finally admits her computer is too old to be any use, I’ll be suggesting an iPad right away.

This just in from a very reliable source who works for Apple: There is no Apple Tablet. (SHOCK HORROR)

In June I wrote a piece on the deaths of internet celebrities, which then went into my idea for a social/online funeral where people would be able to watch the ceremony around the globe. Turns out that it’s now become a reality. While I was only joking about the idea, it would seem that someone out there took me seriously and decided that my plea for such a service was clearly a good idea. So now we can stream our funerals to the world! Yay! Woo! Cowabunga! I’m assuming my cheque is in the post?

My girlfriend is wonky and I mean that in the nicest way. I don’t mean that one of her arms is bigger than the other, or that her left eye is slightly disproportionate to the right one. I’m referring to the fact that every time I let her borrow my computer she leaves it in the most bizarre of states.
Being quite anal about my computer being straight and nice-looking (like all those pictures I see on Lifehacker), I’ve found myself in a situation where I have OCD-like symptoms about keeping the computer and keyboard straight, with my iPhone kept neatly on charge next to it, and Apple Remote neatly placed on the iMac’s stand (horizontal and perfectly aligned to the edge, of course). That’s not mentioning the software, where I have to keep my Safari window a certain distance from the menu bar and dock at all time, for example.
For some reason, though, my girlfriend has other ideas. I let her borrow my computer for the day and come back finding the keyboard at the weirdest of angles, iPhone cable hanging freely off the edge of the desk, and all my beautifully arranged application windows scattered carelessly over six “Spaces” (virtual desktops) with no regard for their position on the screen; I found my Mail.app window minimized on Space 4 once, positioned halfway off the edge of the screen – it opens by default on Space 2 and can’t be moved unless done so deliberately.
What have I done to deserve this? What did I do in my past life? Did I murder children? Was I the guy who murdered Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, starting World War One? Was I the person at ITV who commissioned the new series of X Factor *shudder*?
I know I’m not the best boyfriend. I know that checking my iPhone behind your back when I hug you isn’t romantic. I know that reading Gizmodo can wait until you’ve gone home… But I’m a geek! You knew that the moment you took me on! As I’m someone who frequently refers to themselves as a ‘WebMaster‘, how can you not understand that the computer is my domain!? That the internet is my Empire!?
If I turned up at your house and started to move one of the windows, you’d be pretty annoyed, wouldn’t you? And I know full well that I don’t turn up at your house and repaper your walls with a pixellated picture of Hello Kitty that I found on Google Image Search. So why do you do it to my computer!? WHY!? For all us alpha-geeks out there, I send this message to women who make out lives a burden; stop messing up my computer! Gah! It’s time us nerds took back our space from the clutches of the females and ditch the benefits of a relationship for that of a tidy workspace. Together, we can unite!