In June I wrote a piece on the deaths of internet celebrities, which then went into my idea for a social/online funeral where people would be able to watch the ceremony around the globe. Turns out that it’s now become a reality. While I was only joking about the idea, it would seem that someone out there took me seriously and decided that my plea for such a service was clearly a good idea. So now we can stream our funerals to the world! Yay! Woo! Cowabunga! I’m assuming my cheque is in the post?

My girlfriend is wonky and I mean that in the nicest way. I don’t mean that one of her arms is bigger than the other, or that her left eye is slightly disproportionate to the right one. I’m referring to the fact that every time I let her borrow my computer she leaves it in the most bizarre of states.
Being quite anal about my computer being straight and nice-looking (like all those pictures I see on Lifehacker), I’ve found myself in a situation where I have OCD-like symptoms about keeping the computer and keyboard straight, with my iPhone kept neatly on charge next to it, and Apple Remote neatly placed on the iMac’s stand (horizontal and perfectly aligned to the edge, of course). That’s not mentioning the software, where I have to keep my Safari window a certain distance from the menu bar and dock at all time, for example.
For some reason, though, my girlfriend has other ideas. I let her borrow my computer for the day and come back finding the keyboard at the weirdest of angles, iPhone cable hanging freely off the edge of the desk, and all my beautifully arranged application windows scattered carelessly over six “Spaces” (virtual desktops) with no regard for their position on the screen; I found my Mail.app window minimized on Space 4 once, positioned halfway off the edge of the screen – it opens by default on Space 2 and can’t be moved unless done so deliberately.
What have I done to deserve this? What did I do in my past life? Did I murder children? Was I the guy who murdered Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, starting World War One? Was I the person at ITV who commissioned the new series of X Factor *shudder*?
I know I’m not the best boyfriend. I know that checking my iPhone behind your back when I hug you isn’t romantic. I know that reading Gizmodo can wait until you’ve gone home… But I’m a geek! You knew that the moment you took me on! As I’m someone who frequently refers to themselves as a ‘WebMaster‘, how can you not understand that the computer is my domain!? That the internet is my Empire!?
If I turned up at your house and started to move one of the windows, you’d be pretty annoyed, wouldn’t you? And I know full well that I don’t turn up at your house and repaper your walls with a pixellated picture of Hello Kitty that I found on Google Image Search. So why do you do it to my computer!? WHY!? For all us alpha-geeks out there, I send this message to women who make out lives a burden; stop messing up my computer! Gah! It’s time us nerds took back our space from the clutches of the females and ditch the benefits of a relationship for that of a tidy workspace. Together, we can unite!

Ok, this picture was posted on Gizmodo and it really left a psychological impact on me. If you look at the top part -the forehead area- you’ll notice that it looks just like normal Simon Cowell… but then you look a bit lower and have to question what strange creature this is. I don’t have a massive hatred for the guy (I sure don’t like him, but I don’t particularly dislike him) but this picture is just disturbing. It makes me want to obtain a shotgun, just incase it becomes real and decides to attack me. I’m having nightmares tonight.

One can only guess that one of the new lighting technicians didn’t read the notes and turned one of the spotlights up too high, causing the poor bloke to melt. As you can see, his arms are clearly flailing in a way that indicates panic and fear, whilst his eyes scold in a way that says “You stupid fool! Why didn’t you read the notes!?”.

The people who are hailing the Rage Against The Machine thing as if it’s the second coming of Jesus are people who probably would have bought the X Factor single anyway. They only bought the single because they were told to, rather than because they like the band (hence why I didn’t buy it).

As much as I love the fact that real musicians had a Christmas number one again, it’s easy to forget that most people only bought it because they were following their friends on Facebook and following an idea which seemed “funny”, just like they’d follow the TV and buy a song which they were manipulated into buying through a reality talent show. If Rage Against The Machine had released a Christmas single and had won because people liked the track more than the X Factor track, it would be a different story. The sad fact of the matter is that bands like Rage Against The Machine don’t release Christmas songs, or even release songs near Christmas at all. All this activity exercised is the influence of Social Networking and proved that people downloading singles does actually make a difference in the charts… which, uh, would make sense.

Despite popular belief, the record industry doesn’t make up the charts; they need them more than the public does. For the industry, it shows them what songs are popular amongst the public and what sort of music to keep pumping out. Without it, the labels would have to guess at what people “like” in order to release stuff, which, as we probably all know, isn’t as effective as knowing. For example, I could guess that my girlfriend has cheated on me. It means nothing unless I know. On top of this fact, there is no necessary reason for the different labels to exchange information on which of their artists are doing well. The charts act as a way for not only the public to know what’s popular, but the record labels to know what’s popular on other labels.

The problem is that people don’t understand how the singles chart works. The singles chart only applies to singles, hence it’s called the singles charts. The reason bands like Rage Against The Machine don’t make it into the charts is because the people who listen to them are dedicated fans and buy their albums, which are, y’know, albums… not singles. Since they’re quite established, most of their fans buy their older albums from places like CEX or Ebay which sell the album second hand, with no contribution to the charts. When they release a new album, chances are they buy it from Amazon or a party that doesn’t necessarily contribute to the chart’s statistics.

Now, as far as the album chart goes, yes, they could get a number one album… but only when they release a new album. Muse, for example, had a number one platinum album this year with the release of “The Resistance”, despite their single making it to number nine in the UK singles chart. The reason for this is because Muse is an established band that people recognise have better albums than singles (in theory), so their Wembley Stadium-filling fans just buy the album, rather than single. Same with Green Day and all of the other established bands that released albums this, and every other year.
The reason X Factor makes it’s way to Christmas number one is because it’s the mindless sheep who buy singles that put it there. Well, “mindless sheep” is a bit harsh. The fact is that people without that much interest in music buy singles, and those are the people that watch X Factor. That’s the reason X Factor makes it so high in the charts at Christmas. It’s not necessarily popular overall, but it’s popular amongst the people who buy singles.

Short story long, what I’m trying to say is that the people who buy singles are a completely different type of listener to those who buy albums. The people who buy albums are the people who like real music with real talent. The people who buy singles are the people who are just contempt with listening to whatever music they hear played on the radio or telly. The only true way you can change this is to get rid of all the people who don’t really care about music, but unfortunately genocide is illegal.